Monday, May 11, 2009

[dokyachivaat] Alootechie.com on 'kwench

posted by the motley fool @ 10:46 AM |

Friday, May 08, 2009

[dokyachivaat] Phantom Rings

http://dokyachivaat.blogspot.com/2009/05/phantom-rings.html



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posted by the motley fool @ 9:05 PM |

Friday, June 15, 2007

Moving on..






That's it folks. The transition back to the real world from campus life is complete. Sniff Sniff!

I will no longer post anything here and will dish out all future nonsense at http://dokyachivaat.blogspot.com/

Update your feeds.

posted by the motley fool @ 2:03 PM |

Monday, April 16, 2007

Ze' Chase Part 3 - Where Moi brings time back in context

Major confusion caused due to the dated posting of "Ze' chase Part 2" had King Louie calling me for a drink in Bangalore with friends when I was in my cousin's car in Cochin. And believe me I badly needed a drink at that point. So in order to bring my confused readers back in context - this post is actually Part 3 and 3.5 combined.

At the end of Part 2 I was staring at a tea cup reflecting the sunlight. I was so mesmerised by the scene that I kept staring at that cup all through the flight and the air hostess had to slap me to give it up before landing. Didn't even drink the tea - damn I need a refund. It's quite stressful to be in a flight full of IT chaps coming in from all parts of the world, with their pseud-accents that will last for about a week, and snoring away as they catch up on their sleep.

Anyways within about an hour of landing, Wormwood whisked me away out of the city. Destination - Alath-cad - a coffee and pepper plantation in Coorg. The roads in Karnataka receive a 8/10 on my scale. Well maintained in most places, I drove about 1000 km on hilly terrain and no fatigue. The car held up well, but Wormwood did seem to have some trouble catching up on her breath after all the near death experiences especially when a calf decided to chase her up the hill when she violated her chewing route - of course the bright orange kurta she wore was attracting more than cows.

Coming back to the place itself, most of the spots worth visiting required a long drive and they were absolutely amazing. We deliberately avoided most of the touristy places, and the few ones we did visit only doubled our resolution to avoid them at all costs. (I didn't let Wormwood touch her own car the whole time.) Coorg incidentally has one of the best coffee variants this part of the country and early morning coffee freshly brewed was awesome, food laced with pepper wasn't so awesome, unless you can eat fire.


























Unspoilt places all around, except the water bodies which all had pot bellied men frolicking in them. The park authorities could have easily put up a board declaring the water falls as home to "Potbellium Fatassum Fartumbigmustachium" Commonly known as: Indian married man with 2 kids and nothing to do.



















So now I am down south in Kerala, firmly parked in my aunts kitchen learning new ways of making "puttu" (A steamed rice cake variant). The raw paste is placed in coconut shells and the steam cooks it while something else is bubbling away inside. Talk about multitasking! Oh and I also get to see several Indian Syrian Christian marriages - the details of which shall arrive soon. Till then .. back to the fascinating art of making mallu-stuff and eating those micro-mini (shouldn't that just be a nano?) banana's they cultivate in these parts.

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posted by the motley fool @ 8:03 AM |

Friday, April 13, 2007

Ze' Chase - Part 2 - Hills, Rains and Roads


I have been on the road for almost a week now and its for the first time in all that while that I have access to a decent internet connection. Matheran was the first stop - A beautifully forested hill top on the verge of being ruined with commercial tourism, but not just yet. Loonie-Kiwi was in tow and it was very clearly her first major tryst with insects - crickets and otherwise. As we walked down the wooded slopes in search for a place to crash, the billions of little insects struck up a rhapsody that LK decided was part of a grand conspiracy of all the hotel owners. According to this 'nature buff' who has been to several hill stations and forests, that sound was artificially recorded and played back at regular intervals to entice visitors. Otherwise how could I explain the lack of those noises at night. Of course there wasn't much sense in explaining that it was not only shady hoteliers who slept at night, certain other creatures also do. And then she spent half the night using brilliant insightful logic in silencing a cricket by turning on the water tap in the basin. That the cricket was firmly ensconced in my smelly shoes beneath the sink notwithstanding. Eventually Darwin's theory kicked in, the insect caught on and the hotel lost all its water supply while the chirping happily continued. The best part however were the hidden gems of the times gone by. Beautiful houses, built by the Brits to keep their ruddy faced officers in good humor dot the jungles. Their haunting facades were infinitely more interesting than all the "touristy" spots that the million guides wanted me to visit.

The trip back to Bombay was one of the worst ever. Mid day heat, traffic crawling at snails pace, fumes, sweat - the worst of everything Bombay could throw at you. I was dehydrated like a resin by the time I made it back to the apartment. But the best was yet to come. Next day morning 4:20 am. LK has a flight to Hyderabad, I am at catching a flight with 10 minutes delta to Bangalore (oops - Bangaluru) and the guard has decided to lock all the residents in their buildings and go sleep somewhere in his cave. So there I am all dressed to go, screaming my lungs out and no effect. I can sense all the neighbours grumbling, and readying all the kadhais, belans and yesterdays garbage to throw at me. And LK being a typical project manager, stood behind me doing absolutely nothing. "Monitoring you" she says. Yeah sure, this is about the time I need monitoring.

Finally the day was saved through some good ol' networking. I discovered the phone number of a cab driver in my phone that on the verge of dying since the battery lasts for about 3 minutes. I call A, who calls his brother in law B who then calls his neighbour C who calls the cab driver D closest to my place who goes to plot 11 and bugs the residents of apartment 2 instead of plot 2, apartment 11. I was making enemies all across the place by the minute. It was becoming very clear that I better be on that flight and fast. LK was coming up with innovative ideas of me jumping out of the window to the ground below to go get the cab.

Anyways, order was soon restored. Nothing more untoward happened, other than the airport security chaps scanning my carry on luggage crammed with electronic devices of all shapes and sizes a dozen times.

6:20 am - the sun was rising over the city. It streamed in through the half open window reflecting off the piping hot tea that I was happily sipping. Bangalore, long drives, coffee, rains - here I come.

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posted by the motley fool @ 9:25 AM |

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Ze' chase - Part 1 - Baroda's best kept secret

Yes, I have been banished from home. No! its not because I got a PYT whom mom didn't like, its because I have been quite a nuisance and my family in their infinite wisdom agreed to sponsor tickets for me to get the hell out. So here I am on the road. Well actually, the 1's have been going out in all directions yesterday. Some caught a comfortable flight to Thailand, others stood waiting in Baroda station for a train that well ... the less said the better.

History first - very important to set the context. So there I was, degree certificate safely stored away with moth balls and stuff. I was an MBA now, and eerily like April of 2006 I still had no clue as to what I shall do. A proverbial last straw on my mothers back was this incident.

I am in my room upstairs watching the second movie in a row (remember the ones I had copied off Mumbo Jumbo's laptop) when mom screams - Get your sorry butt down here and do some work. Get me these gazillion items from the store. Be there in a minute I yell back. Oh well Ghost will have to wait.

So I bound down (with snowflakes not around, I compensate for two levels of bounding on the stairs). And there I spotted the other computer with Hercules frozen at level 4. Oh! Yes! I had left it on before sleeping yesterday night. As any sensible chap would do, I had to help Hercules save the D.I.D (Damsel in distress). Just when I was about to complain to mom about the AC not quite living up to the images in its advertisement of frozen Arctic zones, I realised the heat wave in the room had to do more with heat radiation emanating from a very angry mother. Then and there I was ordered to book tickets to Bombay and get out. Go there and sweep the floors she said, wash curtains, do something, do anything. Just go.

So 4th April - 10 pm, I am standing on the platform waiting for a train that is 3 hrs late! The whole journey is supposed to take 6 hrs. Talk about increasnig efficiency in the Railways and stuff.

But fate had something in store for me. I must have passed by the station atleast a thousand times, never did I get to see the secret life. Platform 3, close to midnight. I have been camping here for an hour. My legs are cramped from sitting on these uncomfortable metal seats. The stream of passengers has trickled to almost nothing. A bundle of rags suddenly sits up and starts playing the flute. He starts of with some jarring film music - this was going to be a long night I thought.

But then out of the blue he switches to a haunting tune - the kind you hear in the deserts of Rajasthan. The coolies sleeping on the bench beside me sit up and little chaps carrying tea appear out of nowhere. Soon there is a gathering a few feet away from me - all swaying to the music. The tea-kids (as I call them) start an impromptu dance and a few mongrels join in as well - yelping and jumping. One of the little chaps notices me staring open mouthed and smiles. He leans in closer and says "Roz ka hai saab. Maza aata hai na ? Lo chai piyo aapa train pata nahi aayega ki nahi" (This is a daily affair. Fun, isn't it? Here have some tea, don't know if your train will ever come).

Sipping piping hot tea, listening to strange music, making friends with couple of red clad men and kids with nothing on them, seeing life for what it is - For once I wished the train didn't come.

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posted by the motley fool @ 11:56 AM |

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Achal Agarwal and 59 others...

..were presented to the Chairman of the Board of IIMA yesterday to be conferred a certain tounge twister degree. The world will never be the same again. Irrespective of what you read in the press about the great things that this batch is expected to do, having stayed for a year with Achal Agarwal and 58 others, I know what is going to happen and am selling what little assets I have and am escaping to Togo. (Togo incidentally is a tiny country in Africa, a real country, and is of infinite importance when studying how to make corporate strategy.) Its all about Togo and Snails - the large ones that eat crops.

So the first installment of 'luchhas' have been let loose on the world. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

The second installment of luchhas would have begun their induction even as I write this - and they are one enthusiastic bunch. A bit out of key in singing, but enthusiastic nevertheless. Finally met up with fire eater, and got a bow too. Tickled at first because most of the other readers of this blog prefer to issue death threats. And have been walking around with a super-inflated ego ever since - a bit like that chap in the TimesJobs advertisment.

Suddenly all my friends are super busy - read - they have no time to talk to me, now that I have all the time in the world and am looking for targets to bore with descriptions of how much fun I had writing all those quizzes and that all the cursing was actually a sham.

So here is a list of 8 most important takeaways from the one year I spent at wimwi:

1. The yearbook (yes, the one in the pic): Ichugat, Nangu Maggu and Moi spent a lot of time working on this. Okay, they did all the working, I just spent all the time - but thats not important. What's important is that this tome, contains the 'real' insider information on what the luchhas are. It is full of deep insights into the persona's of 60 'leaders'. HR departments of Fortune 100,000 companies are dying to get their hands on it. This also explains why the editors have flattering things written about themselves - our future jobs might actually depend on it.

2. About 7 kgs - Thats the weight I put on hogging all the food in the mess. While others might disagree, I think its been one of the most important take aways. A lot of take-aways from Foodking and CT (Cafe' Taanstafl) also contributed. Its the ultimate proof of why the collective is a good idea, people like Swats and Khandu who nibble little more than the end of a roti and half a grape, cross subsidise people like me.

3. The coffee mug - The ultimate evidence of all the crazy antics we nutcases did. While the others were busy studying and preparing to run the world, we just ran amok in the world. Our only regret - we never managed to get milk on the side with black coffee!

4. El Jargon - Most important. It was a close finish with 7 kgs and the mug. But experience says that coffee mugs with pictures of friends have infintely higher discussion value and can get you into the board room. The jargon on the other hand helps to explain things 'in the context of' with frameworks to put in pictures of dots, stars and other symbols what was evident to others anyway. The facilitation of the process of explitisation of the implicit unthought known of the honchos present in the board room through the usage of arcane words has been without doubt one of the most important lessons learnt in the pursuit of an MBA. (Dont ask me to explain what I just wrote)

5. 6 Pegs - From pattupeg to 6 medium's in one night and counting. Beats the gold medal anyday.

6. An orange pen - I dont know whom it belongs too. I have it now and it was a good takeaway - albeit of the kleptomaniac kinds.

7. A little card that says 'Pattu John' - I got this to identify my mug (not the coffee one, the one above my neck) during one of the countless dinners I attended. This is very useful, since it fits perfectly into the side of my overnighter. And the card has attracted substantial attention and has been the reason for many a useless conversation during my equally useless travels.

8. Movies Movies and some more movies - Copied it fresh off Kiran's harddrive. Now I watch them with my laptop on the acquired belly - Fountainhead (1976) with the laptop screen moving in synch to my breath. Much has been taken away in this case

Somebody mentioned something about learning, knowledge, people networks and all that jazz. Looks like I forgot to pack those things when I left. Must remember to call the admin office and tell them to send it over.



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posted by the motley fool @ 9:06 PM |

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Told you so.

I told you so! (Yeah - I'm Shamelessly taking credit for stating the obvious, its my blog. So there!)

Mid course correction's start. Pepsi is the first to officially announce change in advertising strategy.

PS: Or is it trying to manage corporate reputation? Hullo! Excuse me! Avertising-Corp Reputation same thing isnt it ?

posted by the motley fool @ 3:54 PM |

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Some things just refuse to go away

Okay, so I gave you false hope that you shall have peace! Caveat - I am still @IIMA, though my ID card expired on the 20th of this month. You can seperate a fool from his money but a fool from his blog is a little more difficult.

So anyway what does a 97.32% MBA do while he is waiting for his robe and roll ceremony? He heads to Bombay, and makes his friends life as miserable as possible till they agree to turn up for a drink and head to ToTo's.

1930 Zulu.
Location: Andheri Station

Moral has managed to locate me among the billions that seem to be streaming in and out of the station at that time. Says it was easy - he was searching for a huge block dressed in black. Anyways the point to be noted is that Mr. Sailor is the localite and I am well - a mallu. So there we are standing at the platform, when the local pulls in gently. 3.5 years of traning kicks in and I automatically join the jostling crowd. "No hurry, wait - we will get in araam se" goes Moral. Okay, this I gotta see. And right in front of us, the train speeds off. Moral was displaying his astute understanding of how land-lubbers work - the Bashi-Bozuk that he is.

2015 Zulu
Location: Toto's

I am on my third 'normal' peg. I may be waiting for my academic degree, but thanks to the 15-3 boozeathon, I have graduated from 1 pattu-peg to substantially more. So there we are three quasi-sloshed characters, a pub full of unpretentious people - which is quite a thing in Bombay, decent music, and lots of smoke.

Discussions on everything ranging from careers (or lack of it), future plans (whatever passes up for a future plan was thrown onto the table), receeding hair lines to impending doom for a certain not-so-eligible member of the canine variety as his kundali does the rounds in unknown grubby hands in shady lanes of Bombay.

0015
Location: No idea.

All good things have to end - unfortunately, and we sobered up over coffee and southie eats at a nearby eatery. Moral continued to talk about popping stuff, but after some time people start to ignore him anyway. Swats insisted I wrap up the rest of the humungous paper-dosa they served me. "give it to the beggars" she said. All the way home there was not one to be found! I would have had to wake them up and force feed them. And considering it was Pali Hill, chances are they would demand Chicken Mughlai.

And while I was away - India is out of the world cup, a senseless murder casts shadow over the whole razzmatazz, countless corporates are preparing to restate earnings having sunk crores into supporting the Indian team, some channels still show silly songs about VISA supporting the 'heart-mind-body-soul' or something to that effect - I use Mastercard thankfully.

Shakira landed the day I left Bombay, two endowed characters cant stay in the same city can they? Some loser skipped his board exams to watch her perform. He could have finished his exams and come home instead.

Nothing changed while I was away in the ghetto it seems. Oh! and I spend my time editing reports of a certain friend who is too busy having too much fun at her brand new job. This is just for the record, for payments shall be collected - with interest!

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posted by the motley fool @ 12:47 PM |

Friday, March 16, 2007

Thats all folks!


Thats' it chaps. I leave campus for good in a couple of hours. (Not considering the convocation of course).

My stuff is strewn all across the room. I am running up and down two flights of stairs oscillating between packing and finishing the year book. I am going to take a break now, few days to unwind before starting the next lap. The class of 2007 celebrated freedom, by rocking away all night. Felt a bit like the famed story tellers of yesteryear as we gave everyone a sneak preview into the character assassination's they can expect in the year book. It was a year that went too fast in some ways and too slow in others. I am older, a little bit wiser, and infinitely richer in terms of friends. Adios Amigos! Its been a fun ride with ya all.

PS: I have been asked if this blog will continue, and I haven't decided on it yet. Either way you will know soon. Till then.

posted by the motley fool @ 1:17 PM |

Friday, March 09, 2007

One week and counting ...

Okay so we are doing serious time pass. It was only an end term, come on - Hullo! Excuse me!

Anyways so after much deliberation on sacrificing academic rigor, four souls headed off to watch nishabdh.Now this is a description of how 4 MBA's execute a movie plan when they have absolutely nothing to do.

Swats (shrieks) Lets go Lets go!

Moi: Ok. But which movie?

Swats (continues shrieking - she hasn't stopped since skin was revealed on Holi) Honeymoon travels Honeymoon travels!

Moi: No way I am seeing that sick movie. It has lots of pink in it.

Moral: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Moi: Yeah! what ?

Moral: Don't know - but yeah! yeah!

Swats: So Moi you getting the car right ?

Moi: No way!

Swats: Please Please I can't go in an auto. I want to go in the car!

Moi: Okay I will think about it.

Swats: (goes back to shrieking) Lets go! Lets go!

Moi: Ok 5 mins and we are out of here!

Swats: Ichugat will join us. Moraall! Where the hell are you ?

Moral: Yeah! Yeah! I will shave and come - woof!

Ichugat: Which movie are we gonna see?

Moi: Nishabdh!

Swats: Honeymoon Travels!

Moi: I have the car keys!

Swats: Nishabdh!

5 minutes later we are walking all round campus looking for a place to exit out into the car park. This place has been boarded up to keep the press out and it serves more to keep us in rather than them out. We finally get there and I start dusting the car. It still has remnants of holi celebrations showing up on it.

Moral: This is a crappy car.

Swats: Yes, this is a crappy car.

Moi: There is always the auto.

Moral and Swats: This is an awesome car lets go.

The movie itself is pretty cool. There were a grand total of 20 people in the whole hall. 14 of them old cool dudes - who kept standing up everytime Jiah came on screen - wonder why.

The movie - It takes getting used to, a bit disturbing at times. Didnt like the chick, loved big B's reflections, laughed like nutcases cause we didnt know what else to do as the weird scenes played out. This is a movie to be seen on a Bose home theatre system, ensconsed in ones fav arm chair with a glass of Jack Daniels. No other way to see this movie.

And just as I turned into the parking lot hoping to recover from the depressing after effects -
Moral and Swats go : "This car is a piece of junk! - When are we going for the next movie ?"

Note: This transaction is a bit dated - about 24 hours older than another very different play out of a car trip. We went to the Amul plant yesterday in Uncle's maroon esteem - yes the one that blends in with the road at night, and the conversation was something like this.

Swats: This is a crappy car

Dubai Bomb: Yes this is a crappy car

Moi: Start the AC

Dubai Bomb: Yes start the AC

Swats: Start the music

Uncle: Moi, is this the correct turn?

Moi: Yes

Uncle: Sure?

Swats: Start the music

Dubai Bomb: Where is the AC ?

Uncle: Should we stop and ask somebody?

Swats: Yes stop and ask, start the music - Khandu: Turn the AC on full blast.

Moi: I am not speaking to anyone. Nobody trusts me.

Uncle: Okay ask that chap near the tea stall a mile away from the road if we should go left or right on this road, considering that there is no turn in sight.

Swats: Start the music. This is a crappy car.

Dubai Bomb: There is no AC. This is a crappy car.

You get the idea!

posted by the motley fool @ 9:40 PM |

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Holy #%&

[image copyright: Chachu]

The fourth estate of the country talks about how finishing touches are being put to the future leaders of Indian industry behind the concrete walls at IIMA. We (the so called leaders) on the other hand have other priorities. This is what the "corporate blunders" of next year were up to on Holi.

Highlights

1. Swats and Sushi demonstrated their conning abilities by getting "the chap" to give us the music system speakers for about 1k. The "chap" on the other hand proved that MBA's were no match for common sense by giving the crappiest speakers possible which made Shubha Mudgal sound like Asha Bhosle. (Or was it the other way round)

2. Pontius continued his exploration of Indian culture and came all set to see the orderly celebration of color. I am not sure if he was expecting a colorful dance or something, but he was pretty horrified when obese classmates attacked him and dunked him in the pool.

3. A adventurous visiting Prof. stood by, decently holding a packet of gulal, wondering how to break into the rowdy bunch. He was unceremoniously dunked in, but then he got out and stood shivering wondering how to break into the rowdier bunch.

4. The average health status of the class was demonstrated amply with all the bellies showing through wet T-shirts. Some of the femme's present had their wild fantasies crashing around them when reality "popped" through literally. I was told later that those were actually water balloons not fantasies. But its clear that there is a very good reason why Fab-India sells so many Kurtas!

5. The kids were scared silly - seeing their parents and 'uncles' behave crazy. Mob psychology is really something else - there was a time when even I was running scared. But with good reason - you see Moral being the Sailor man - has a genetically programmed response when he sees water. He feels like taking his clothes off and yodeling before jumping in.

Now let me tell you, sailors are inherently scary creatures and a yodeling one is even worse. We ran for our lives as sailor boy went on a pushing and punching rampage. Swats was last seen on all fours near the main entrance looking for her missing diamond filling which Sailor knocked out along with a couple of teeth. She didn't seem to care much about the teeth.

6. Extensive damage was caused to the front area and all the CA's spent half the night figuring out how to pass on the expenses to the incoming batch. They claimed to have done it, but it does seem strange that we got the clearance forms within hours of this event. I am not sure if any of the debit/credit concepts were working after all the "elixirs" consumed so copiously.

This clearance form strangely requires signatures from all departments here including admin, confirming that there is no outstanding due from us!

7. Ms Theplas-Thoklas witnessed her first Holi celebration ever. She has vowed to never ever again venture out of her home on this day. Her hatred for all things North-Indian has intensified ten times over.

8. The Dubai bomb made strategic blunders as usual. He went after all femmes' (as usual) and they ganged up on him (as usual), dragged him through slush (not sure if this is usual) and left him for dead(as usual again). He was last seen holding up his trousers with one hand (as usual again) limping towards his room (this is not usual, he usually limps towards others rooms mostly Sensei's).

The elixir's were consumed in great quantities thanks to Daddu. Sitting on the edge of the water hole - Sun beating down on bare backs - laced thandai in hand - listening to "Daddu tum" blasting from huge black speakers.

Much fun coming! Much memories to cherish! Much Sunburn to get over!

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posted by the motley fool @ 12:27 AM |

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Fiction: The little red plane.

He rushed in as fast his little legs would carry him. Uncoordinated dash, a bit skewed to the toy section while his mother spent time on more mundane things like buying vegetables and fruits.

The toy section was brightly lit with rows and rows of toys. So many sizes and shapes. It was a bit of heaven - and he slowed down to catch his breath. There he stood in the long row that had all the model planes you could dream of in his red checked shirt and black shorts. Legs spread wide and clasping his hands as he gazed on them in wonderment. There were so many options he was tempted to play with them all, but he was looking for the fighter jets. His friends talked about the gifts they had been promised - the model F18 that that little lights and made a roar as it moved, the radio controlled propeller planes that soared into the blue sky at the flick of a lever.

And then he saw it - the bright little red plane on the top shelf. The only one left with streaks of white on the body. It was exactly the little plane he dreamt of every night. He would fly into the white fluffy clouds and coming out the sun reflecting off the gleaming body. The shelves were high and tall and the plane seemed so close yet so far. He stood on tip toe and reached up as far as he could. He barely reached the head of the teddy bear on the bottom shelf.

He ran down the aisle searching for his mother. There she was selecting apples for his lunch. "Come with me now" he pleaded.

"Wait a minute sweetheart, let me finishing selecting the fruit." she said.

"No, NOW please!" Grabbing a few apples he dumped them into the cart and pulled her by the hand. She followed him into the toy section, amused at the eagerness he was capable of showing. He was running so fast, it seemed he would stumble any moment.

As they turned the corner, a man wearing a dark black suit and pointed shiny shoes reached up on the top shelf. He casually reached for the little red plane and picked it up. He froze in his tracks and stared as the plane was dumped into a shopping cart. Time stood still and all he saw was the little plane perched precariously on boxes of pizza, disappearing around the corner. For eternity he stood staring at the empty aisle.

"What did you want dear ?" asked his mother. He shook his head, looked up and opened his arms - he wanted to be lifted up. He put his head on her warm shoulder and looked back at the shelves. There were so many other planes, grey, black, big and small, with lights and without lights - he could choose any of them.

But He would never see the little red plane again. He closed his eyes. A tear formed near his eyelid and dropped down on to the floor of the empty aisle in the toy section.

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posted by the motley fool @ 7:33 PM |

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Corporate Governance - at its best!

Berkshire Hathaway has a pretty decent "Owners Manual" - the epitome of Corporate Governance. Sitting in class, Thompjohn senior and me decided its time we took matters into our hands. So here is our version of the famed "Owners Manual". You get a copy of this when you buy into our firm - Ottapalam Wellathilmungi Ltd. (That's mallu loosely translated into - single bridge sunk in water Ltd.)


Ottapalam Wellathilmungi Ltd. (OWL) - A suckers manual

1. Although our form is a bit on the plump side, our attitude is awesome. Thompjohn senior and I think of our shareholders as suckers and ourselves as Gods gift to mankind (OK - womankind). We don't view the company itself as the ultimate owner of our business assets, that's us.

2. In line with OWL's owner-orientation, most of our directors have a major portion of their net worth invested in the company. We two have safely siphoned away a huge chunk of your and their money to Swiss accounts where it is safe. The directors keep talking about eating their own cooking and stuff, we go to a nice restaurant down the road.

3. Our long term economic goal is to own a private jet each. We don't measure the growth of the company by its size. We will be disappointed if we cant loot you more than all the badly managed funds put together.

4. Our preference would be to reach our goal (the jets - remember?) by directly siphoning money that you come deposit voluntarily in our office. Our second choice of course would be beat you silly in your own living room till you part with your wallet.

5. Because of our multi pronged approach to business, most of which we have no idea about, and our limitations in understanding conventional accounting we ignore all numbers - consolidated or otherwise. We don't think you are smart enough either and so wont bother reporting anything. Its a win-win situation. Who says we don't care about our share holders.

6. Accounting consequences don't affect out operating or capital-allocation decisions. Why ? Because we don't know accounting. We prefer $2 of earnings any day over $1. Don't know why Hathaway made a big deal of it anyway.

7. We use debt extensively. When we do borrow it is with the sole intent of looting you. This conservatism has penalized our share holders, but we don't over to overreach and loot your neighbours too. We aren't that greedy.

8. A managerial wish-list will not be filled at shareholder expense. Your expenses are your own concern, we will fulfill our wish list with your investments, not expenses.

9. We also feel that noble intentions should be checked periodically against results. Let us know as well in case you can find any co-relation there, we are eager to know how the hell you could see any.

10. We will issue common stock only when we find new stuff we are interested in buying like a couple of Mercs or Rolex watches. And when we do we will not sell small portions of your company, we will sell it lock stock and barrel and then take away all that money.

11. You should be fully aware of one attitude that Thompjohn senior and I share that hurts our financial performance. We tend to get a bit tipsy and order for several more rounds, We hope not to repeat the capital-allocation mistakes that led us to such sub-par businesses, next time we promise to go to the high-end establishments, and get a Swedish massage instead.

12. We will be candid in our reporting to you. We will not be accountable, just candid.

13. WE will not talk about our investment ideas at this time. We might when we get one, but as of now we absolutely refuse to talk about it.

Finally, we only want you to call us about companies with no foreseeable future, fictitious turnaround potentials and general shell companies. We have neither the time nor the patience to run actual companies.

If we like your nonsense we will get back in 3 minutes. If you have nothing better to do and want to wait longer call Berkshire Hathaway. Don't waste our time!

Thompjohn Junior
Chief Defrauder.

posted by the motley fool @ 12:26 AM |

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Signaling Externalities

It has been a long weekend and with nothing in particular to do, I was stalking the corridors. Well walking actually but for some reasons the lights were off and the moonlight cast a weird illumination which made it look quite like I was stalking somebody. The songs of the movie Signal played over and over in my mind. There I was humming the tunes, staring at the moon in the clear night sky sorrounding by stars. A plane came in to land in the distance, its lights on at full beam sweeping over the horizon. The moon seemed to have a wicked smile as it shone down over the driveway I could see from where I stood in the shadows.

As the cold breeze blew across I couldn't but help think about the Khaitan table fans we used to rely on in those hot summer holidays. Not much to look at but very reliable. Quite easy to turn on too and then it just kept rolling without ever stopping. Anyway very reliable, used to be fun to sit there and watch it as the base stood rock solid and the top portion swung side to side. Almost like somebody grooving to music.

And inevitably mom used to pop in the room with fresh cut mangoes. So there I was sprawled among all the comics and gorging on fresh fruit. And these days organic food is all the rage. People from all around are seen with organic stuff and they feel a little guilty too when spotted. Me - with organic stuff ? No way they say. Oh well, dont feel so bad we say. Its all right to indulge once in a while, dont mind us.

But they tell me organic food gets spoilt real fast when kept near a fan in full flow.

The cold wind is biting now and the warm study room beckons. Maybe I will go eat some organic veggies too. Btw where was I - oh yes - Remo had been awesome at Chaos as he belted out his "Signaaaal, Pyar ka signaaaal". Makes people stand and swing in synch - a bit like that old table fan. Awesome chap Remo! I simply have to go watch the movie. If you have already seen it, please do tell me your feedback.

posted by the motley fool @ 10:24 AM |

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Top 5 placement trends

Well the secrets out, placements have been rolling behind concrete walls. A tweety bird told the pink paper and they then told the world. What doesnt come out however is the behavioral shifts that have happened here. And as a reader of this blog, you are entitled to the exclusive scoops - the real dirt behind what happens around here.

Here then are the top 5 placement trends at IIMA

Trend #1: The CEO strut

We have the case methodology of study and that means the floor is open to a lot of discussion. Most of it is ok, but then there are the Italians. No not real people from Italy, just the ones in class that indulge in spaghetti discussions - so called because the talk is convoluted, goes no where in particular and is often overcooked and watery.

The placement season however has brought a new twist in the tale. More often than not, now the discussions start with, "If I were the CEO of this company...". And a lot of us feel that "If X were the CEO of the company, we would be offloading shares double quick".

Oh! and some of the CEO's are worried about if they will get desks to write on especially when negotiating those humongous salaries.

Trend #2: The breakfast appearance

The Dubai bomb, no less has been seen at breakfast more than twice in the last one month. And still wearing the formal clothes he wore to last nights pre placement talk. And he is not the only one.

Trend #3: Resume' editing services

It seems there is a black market for those who know how to do a Select-All & Jutsify in a word document. Leading in from Trend 1, we now only believe in writing all the lies, cant really justify it (Pun intended)

Trend #4: The - 'I love India' syndrome

Everybody just loves the country now. We just want to work here, be part of our old culture and clean up all the cities we have been dirtying all our life. And if you get paid obscene salaries for it, whos' complaining.

And if India doesnt work, Sri Lanka and Afghanistan are fine too. Exchange rate is king! We are literally willing to give an arm and leg for certain jobs.

Trend #5: Exams, what exams ?

I have an exam today. Nothing more needs to be said.

Last word: The title is rigged to get maximum hits on random Google searches. Hey! I am studying valuation and sticky eyeballs is going to make a comeback. DCF based on these unwashed, sleep ridden, bored eyeballs is going to make me laugh all the way to the bank.

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posted by the motley fool @ 9:48 AM |

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

2's, chaos and notes to myself

We had some of the next PGPX batch (henceforth referred to as the 2's) here on campus and had quite a blast giving them 'gyan'. Of course it meant that I ended up pretty much unprepared for class the next day. The 2's joined us in the M&A session. As the numbers rolled out suddenly all the scribbled calculations in my coursemat looked like nonsense. So I sat back and looked around. From the resigned look on all flanks I could see that my numbers weren't the only one that went for a toss. After the session as we trooped out for a much needed cuppa, I overheard one of the 2's quip to his buddy - 'Understood half of it and didn't get the rest'. Way to go dude, cause I got less than 10% and I am supposed to be studying the course. But all in all it was great fun having them over.

We start CHAOS tomorrow and so far it promises to be an absolute riot. Max fun!

Notes to Moi:

1. Write stuff that people understand: Raju reminded me that there are people out there who read the nonsense I dish out. Now when people read my posts to satiate their desire for bheja-fries (deep fried brains served as a 'delicacy' in some places including Bade Mia) they deserve to get what they came for. Ergo I shall write stuff people understand.

2. Note 1 puts me in conflict with my genetic code to pull fat, thin, crooked, straight, hairy, waxed, shaved and all other variations of legs that one finds on campus. I had thought of pulling whisky's legs too, but if his bark is anything to go by, it would be a pretty dumb thing to do. Whisky by the way is the handsome Alsatian for whom some of the ladies I know have a real soft corner.

It also puts me in conflict with my new year resolution #6. But considering that I have kept to all other resolutions (LoL), I guess its okay to break one.

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posted by the motley fool @ 11:24 AM |

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Wide Angel..oops Angle!

What is the first image that conjures up in your mind when somebody talks of angels ? Depending on how many British children's books you have read this might vary from dainty little thumb sized creatures dancing in the one corner of the garden under the daffodils to the biblical variation of white gown, wings and serene looks.

Trust us to take a different view even on this. The only angels of interest here, till very recently were, angel investors. I wouldn't mind an angelic investor who would take interest in me and my business plans, but thats not the point. The point is that for some reason we have a Caterpillar-ian version of an angel here. Not the green crawly things, those yellow monstrosities used in mines and stuff.

You see there are four people in the race to be frame-fillers. For those who don't know, frame fillers are people who can fill a photo frame on their own when the picture is taken at a standard distance of 33 feet and 15 inches. Now the list in PGPX is wide and distinguished. The three in the race for top position are the merugian delusion, me and the 'angel'.

I am trying my best to dwarf the local angel but thats going to take some time. All the idilis and dosas consumed while threatening vice presidents with punitive action for not following quality dictums issued at whim and fancy have made it quite a challenge. The bar is set quite wide you see.

And for the record the devil doesn't wear Prada but the angel sure wears shiny shirts.

posted by the motley fool @ 1:21 AM |

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Ramanand Sagars residual agenda

[image source: Wikipedia]
Remember Ramayan on DD ? Amazing doesn't quite cover it. Talk about branding and positioning. There was this tiny dirty shop that sold fried goodies, which used to have a picture of the actors on the wall. As kids we used to love that shop - heavenly smells of samosas and kachoris invaded our tiny nostrils and seduced us there. 2 Rs could buy us an orange 'dolly' from the rude man across the street or 2 crunchy samosas with the added entertainment of watching the pot bellied owner worship the actors. If it was a Monday, we could be assured of an in depth analysis of the episode telecast the previous morning.

The best part of those episodes used to be the duels. Arrows flying towards each other and all the colorful sparks and stuff. Most hilarious! - even when you are oh! about 10 years old. And each time I see Harry Potter and the goblet of fire - the scene where he duels with Voldemort in the graveyard, I cant help but marvel at the influence. The director (and Rowling) have for sure seen Ramayan. Nothing else can explain that scene.

And yesterday in the badminton court, Mysore Dosa gave me another sample of the 'residual effect' of the great serial. The net play execution by Mysore is not too far away from the way those extras waged war. In the serial each and every one of the zillion extras, brandish cardboard swords, waving it side to side and charge towards the target and well then sort of slow down as they reach it and then start a nice polite battle. Mysore holds the racket a bit like that sword, brandishes it as he charges towards the net on seeing the shuttle and then well stands there holding his racket up while the shuttle gently floats down in slow motion.

The opponents aren't standing there waiting to return a shot. How could they - they are rolling on the court unable to control their laughter. We lost the game, Mysore and me. But its nice to know the residual agenda lives on.

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posted by the motley fool @ 11:41 AM |

Monday, January 08, 2007

Management synergies in bedsheets

Wimwi has produced many great persona's. Some of them have transformed the corporate world and some have emerged as profound thinkers who have proposed fascinating theories that have changed thought processes of entire generations of managers.

But, all this is nothing compared to what is going to be unleashed now. You see we, the class of 2007, believe in taking things a little too literally. Dedicated readers of the trash published here would recall how for an operations class we did an 8 hour analysis of (and presented reports on) data that was deliberate nonsense.

Now for example, today morality took a back seat as "moral sailor" felt out-at-sea with all the strategic theories being bandied. Then his mutated genetic code kicked in and he did what all sailors do. Rolled up his sleeves and jumped right in. Only problem he attacked the class with a brand new term - management synergy.

Lulled into a false sense of success by dishing out arbit nonsense about power trading not so long ago to a bored audience, his half baked term didn't quite fly today. The Prof. caught his fishy nonsense neatly and hit him right back with it - several times. It was like Fulliautomatix hitting Cacofonix on the head with the stuff sold by Unhygenix. Come of think of it, Moral Sailor does look a bit like Cacofonix, sings like him for sure, the Gaul village was near the sea. Way too many coincidences here for his own good.

And in a totally related incident, one of the maids on campus was reportedly spotted in tears. No! Moral apparently didn't have anything to do with it (for a change). She had been accused of misplacing a bed sheet - an allegation she vehemently denied. We had investigated disruptive innovation as a growth strategy in class, but nobody quite expected bed linen to replace skirts so soon. Some wagging tongues attributed the phenomenon to a deep involvement in the subject.

By the time classes started (the phenomenon had been noticed) in the morning Sensei had diversified his portfolio in a totally unrelated acquisition of Bombay Dyeing shares (a strategy he would soon learn is a bad idea), one of the self appointed strategy maestros was reportedly on the phone with some one in Bombay Dyeing explaining how they should reposition, re-brand and resell all their bed linen and curtain cloth as skirt material and some of the wives were calling up their mothers-in-law asking for those old sewing machines and scissors.

You don't believe me ?- take a look at the stock movement. We started classes at 10 am, the above calls to the stock market and strategic marketing call took place at 9:59am. At 10:03am the stock hit intra day high! At 2:30pm when he returned back to the room, numbed by a shock of not having followed management wisdom, Sensei offloaded his newly acquired shares. At 2:33pm the stock hit intra day low! At 3:00 pm the maid was being consoled by the Moral Sailor, the bed sheet having reached back home for lunch. We haven't even graduated yet.

posted by the motley fool @ 6:54 PM |