Corporate Governance - at its best!
Berkshire Hathaway has a pretty decent "Owners Manual" - the epitome of Corporate Governance. Sitting in class, Thompjohn senior and me decided its time we took matters into our hands. So here is our version of the famed "Owners Manual". You get a copy of this when you buy into our firm - Ottapalam Wellathilmungi Ltd. (That's mallu loosely translated into - single bridge sunk in water Ltd.)Ottapalam Wellathilmungi Ltd. (OWL) - A suckers manual
1. Although our form is a bit on the plump side, our attitude is awesome. Thompjohn senior and I think of our shareholders as suckers and ourselves as Gods gift to mankind (OK - womankind). We don't view the company itself as the ultimate owner of our business assets, that's us.
2. In line with OWL's owner-orientation, most of our directors have a major portion of their net worth invested in the company. We two have safely siphoned away a huge chunk of your and their money to Swiss accounts where it is safe. The directors keep talking about eating their own cooking and stuff, we go to a nice restaurant down the road.
3. Our long term economic goal is to own a private jet each. We don't measure the growth of the company by its size. We will be disappointed if we cant loot you more than all the badly managed funds put together.
4. Our preference would be to reach our goal (the jets - remember?) by directly siphoning money that you come deposit voluntarily in our office. Our second choice of course would be beat you silly in your own living room till you part with your wallet.
5. Because of our multi pronged approach to business, most of which we have no idea about, and our limitations in understanding conventional accounting we ignore all numbers - consolidated or otherwise. We don't think you are smart enough either and so wont bother reporting anything. Its a win-win situation. Who says we don't care about our share holders.
6. Accounting consequences don't affect out operating or capital-allocation decisions. Why ? Because we don't know accounting. We prefer $2 of earnings any day over $1. Don't know why Hathaway made a big deal of it anyway.
7. We use debt extensively. When we do borrow it is with the sole intent of looting you. This conservatism has penalized our share holders, but we don't over to overreach and loot your neighbours too. We aren't that greedy.
8. A managerial wish-list will not be filled at shareholder expense. Your expenses are your own concern, we will fulfill our wish list with your investments, not expenses.
9. We also feel that noble intentions should be checked periodically against results. Let us know as well in case you can find any co-relation there, we are eager to know how the hell you could see any.
10. We will issue common stock only when we find new stuff we are interested in buying like a couple of Mercs or Rolex watches. And when we do we will not sell small portions of your company, we will sell it lock stock and barrel and then take away all that money.
11. You should be fully aware of one attitude that Thompjohn senior and I share that hurts our financial performance. We tend to get a bit tipsy and order for several more rounds, We hope not to repeat the capital-allocation mistakes that led us to such sub-par businesses, next time we promise to go to the high-end establishments, and get a Swedish massage instead.
12. We will be candid in our reporting to you. We will not be accountable, just candid.
13. WE will not talk about our investment ideas at this time. We might when we get one, but as of now we absolutely refuse to talk about it.
Finally, we only want you to call us about companies with no foreseeable future, fictitious turnaround potentials and general shell companies. We have neither the time nor the patience to run actual companies.
If we like your nonsense we will get back in 3 minutes. If you have nothing better to do and want to wait longer call Berkshire Hathaway. Don't waste our time!
Thompjohn Junior
Chief Defrauder.
posted by the motley fool @ 12:26 AM
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